12.31.2015

Ikaw

Disclaimer: This post has been made by Bunny Javier, a good friend of mine. Everything stated in here is merely her opinions and thoughts on having no relationship in this Yuletide season, a feeling that I can totally relate to.

No edits has been made in this note. Permission to re-post it has been acquired as well. If, by any means, you're going to re-post and translate it as well, please seek permission from me and the original writer by commenting below. I can contact Bunny for you.

Original post can be found here however due to privacy settings, it won't be seen by those who are not her friends.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Psst.

Pssst! Hoy, ikaw. Oo ikaw? Bakit ang bilis ng lakad mo? Bakit nakayuko ang ulo mo? Nagmamadali ka ba? O parang ako lang ba na umiiwas lang sa mga magkasintahang ubod ng bagal maglakad, magkapulupot ang mga kamay habang ikaw ay di magkanda ugaga sa dami ng daladala mo at nagmamadaling umuwi.

Tinamaan ka ba?

O ano? Makikinig ka na?

Okay lang yan. Oo, mag isa ka. Oo single ka. OO SINGLE. Ulit ulitin natin hanggang mamanhid na ang tenga mo sa walang humpay na kakasambit sa’yo ng mga tao na hindi makapaniwala na mag isa ka. Oo, wala nga akong jowa. Masaya ka na?

Tapos eto ngayong pasko - makakarining ka nanaman ng kay dami daming mga tanong sa tuwing pupunta ka sa mga handaan na kasama ang mga kamag anak mo. “Bakit di ka pa mag asawa? Wala ka bang nakikilala? Ano na ang nangyayare sayo? May hitsura ka naman, mabait ka naman, bakit wala kang nakikilala? Halika, ipapakilala kita sa pamangkin ng pinsan ng kapitbahay na kasama ko sa simbahan na tyuhin na malayo ng manicurista ko.” Nakakapagod no?

Ramdam kita. Alam na alam ko na yan. Yung tipong lahat na ng pinsan mo may mga anak na, at ikaw ng ninong o ninang mga anak nila. Ikaw ung kaibigan na may tiwalang iwanan sayo ang mga anak nila habang sila naman ung kakain bago sila ulit bumwelo at alagaan ang mga bata. Ikaw na sa tuwing mag uusap sila sa mga anong mura at sulit na diaper na maaring bilhin at kung saan, nakatingin sa telepono, nag bbrowse sa Facebook or Instagram mo at naghahanap ng mga nakakatawang bagay. Oo, alam ko yan. Gawain ko din yan.

Pero minsan, kahit isipin mo na gaano ka mang umay na umay sa mga tanong, yung akala mo na nadinig mo na ang lahat. Yung akala mo, manhid ka na, minsan, meron talagang isang pagkakataon na tatama sa puso mo, ung tagos hanggang kaluluwa mo. Minsan yung tipong hindi mo akalain na uy, teka, sapul ako dun. Tipong may may madidinig ka na: Auntie, you look like you need a hug, I will give you a hug, but I cannot give you a hug like how my daddy gives my mommy a hug, but I will try my best to make it like that. Ouch diba?

Tapos ayan, iiyak ka na. Hindi ikaw ung kausap, pero pakiramdam mo, patama sa’yo, pakiramdam mo nananadya ung tadhana, ung mumurahin mo sa isip mo pero wala kang magawa, tapos maiisip mo - is the universe conspiring against me? Bakit? Ngayon pa talaga? Anong gusto mong mangyare? Ano sapakan nalang? Pero wala, mukha ka lang tanga. Tulala, nakatingin sa kawalan, sa kabilugan ng buwan. Tutulo ang luha sa gilid ng kanan na mata. Emote. Pang pelikula.

Mag iisip ka. Ano nga ba ang ginawa kong mali? Ano ba ang kulang sa akin? Bakit ako mag isa pa din? Bakit ung mga umiwan sa akin masaya na, ako na ngang dehado, ako pa ung naiwan mag isa? Bakit? - Iisipin mo ng iisipin yan habang nilulunod mo ung sarili mo sa isang bote ng alak hanggang makatulog ka na at gigisingin ka nalang kinabukasan para mag simba. Tapos ang laman lang ng dasal mo, kelan ako?

At ayan na, may sa aso yang mga kaibigan mo, naamoy nila kung nag momoment ka nanaman. Kukuyugin ka na- ipaparamdam nila sa’yo na nandito sila para sa’yo. Na sila mismo ang gagawa ng paraan para mapasaya ka. Para iparamdam sa’yo na di pa katapusan ng mundo. Na swerte mo at single ka pa din. Na ikaw ang tumutupad ng mga pangarap nalang nila ngayon. Maaantig nanaman ang damdamin mo, di ka na nga lang iiyak, eemote ka nalang.

Tapos maiisip mo, okay pa pala ako. Kaya ko to. Wala man isang taong nakalaan sa akin, alam mo naman na may mga taong nagmamahal sa’yo. Wag ka nalang ngang choosy. Wag umarte, di man ito ung the one mo, pasalamat ka madami pa ding nag mamamhal sayo.

Lilipas din itong araw na to. Bukas simula nanaman ng isang normal na araw sa buhay mo. At least, alam mo na ang sequence ng emotional rollercoaster mo sa hashtag forever alone mong moment. Makakapaghanda ka na ng mas madaming alak.

Malay mo, baka sa mga susunod na araw, habang naglalakad ka ng nakayuko at nagmamadali ng madaming dalahin, makabangga mo ung isang tao din na naglalakad ng nakayuko at nagmamadali, malay mo, sa susunod, kasama ka na din sa mga taong napaka bagal mag lakad habang nakapulupot ang kamay sa isa’t isa.

^-^

12.03.2015

Where I Am Now?

It has been  2 months and 10 day since I got employed in the call center industry, and  a month and 7 days since I started taking up calls.

How am I right now? Am I doing fine?

If I get to answer those questions above in all honesty, I am saying 'No, I am not fine and I am not feeling well and sure about this anymore'.

This is news to me, I, being a fighter, don't just say suddenly that I am not sure about something as early as this. I usually fight until my last breath, until the end. However, if I don't get these feelings out from my system I believe I will break down. Completely.

As I mentioned in my last blog post, I am employed in an industry that requires talking to English and conversing to clients located in America for their issues with regards to their laptops and what-not. You see, I was able to overcome that tiny fear of conversing to them the things that they need from me, from us. However, I cannot take the fact that there are really some clients who think highly of themselves and just dropped the phone while you are still explaining the things from your end. I mean, come on, where are your manners?

I also do not want the set-up that we have in the company. We have to be at least 30 mins earlier than the required work hours for us to be able to pull up all the necessary tools for the calls. Not to mention we don''t have our own work stations; we need to look for a diff one if someone suddenly seated in the station that you usually use.

That fact makes me feel more tired than ever. I travel from Mandaluyong City to MoA complex in Pasay City via EDSA. Yep, you read it: I am travelling to and fro my office through the world's worst traffic road. If I need to be in the office at least 30 mins before the time, I need to allot at least 2 hrs of travel from my place. However, since I am on EDSA during rush hour, I need to allot an extra hour for me to be able to reach my office on time.

That makes me feel like I am in the office for 10-11 hours. My shift starts at 9.00 pm GMT +8 then ends at 6.00am GMT +8. However since I need to be earlier, I arrive in the office area around 8.00 pm then eats somewhere till 8.30pm before heading to the office. Then the shift ends at 6.00 am but it doesn't stop there. We might have logged out from the phone application however we still need to attend some meetings or group huddles, and those are not included in the Overtime. We get out of the office around 6.30 - 7.00 am.

There's really a big change in the work environment that I am in. I need to be early in the office since the calls are coming in at exactly 9.00 pm however we cannot just go home at exactly 6.00am. Unlike before, I am on-time if I arrive in the office at 9.00 am, even if I haven't pulled up the tools yet or opened my computer by that time. As long as you're in the office on the dot, you are not late.

These events really make me think and feel that I should start looking for a different work, back in my industry at least. I've been trying to submit around my resumes to whichever company that I find interesting as long as it's not related to the call center industry. I am getting sick of just being in the office, literally and figuratively.

I also happen to think about taking the CPA Board Exams by next year or not. I already spilled this to some of my dearest friends and they told me that I can still pursue for that path. Deep within my heart I still have that accounting prowess. I just need ample time to review the basics and go on with the changes in the exams' syllabi. My interest to take it is still at 1% however this may change by next year.

I also do not just leave the office without a new and sure job to go to. I have my expenses to pay, not to mention my recently-booked Japan trip with a friend of mine by September next year. I may be able to pay them now but if I stopped working again, how will I be able to live my life?

I am again standing in a crossroad that don't have the right tagging to where I'm about to head to if I walk along that path. However, I do know that I should decide things by myself. However, there's nothing wrong with asking for advises from the people that I love.