12.31.2015

Ikaw

Disclaimer: This post has been made by Bunny Javier, a good friend of mine. Everything stated in here is merely her opinions and thoughts on having no relationship in this Yuletide season, a feeling that I can totally relate to.

No edits has been made in this note. Permission to re-post it has been acquired as well. If, by any means, you're going to re-post and translate it as well, please seek permission from me and the original writer by commenting below. I can contact Bunny for you.

Original post can be found here however due to privacy settings, it won't be seen by those who are not her friends.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Psst.

Pssst! Hoy, ikaw. Oo ikaw? Bakit ang bilis ng lakad mo? Bakit nakayuko ang ulo mo? Nagmamadali ka ba? O parang ako lang ba na umiiwas lang sa mga magkasintahang ubod ng bagal maglakad, magkapulupot ang mga kamay habang ikaw ay di magkanda ugaga sa dami ng daladala mo at nagmamadaling umuwi.

Tinamaan ka ba?

O ano? Makikinig ka na?

Okay lang yan. Oo, mag isa ka. Oo single ka. OO SINGLE. Ulit ulitin natin hanggang mamanhid na ang tenga mo sa walang humpay na kakasambit sa’yo ng mga tao na hindi makapaniwala na mag isa ka. Oo, wala nga akong jowa. Masaya ka na?

Tapos eto ngayong pasko - makakarining ka nanaman ng kay dami daming mga tanong sa tuwing pupunta ka sa mga handaan na kasama ang mga kamag anak mo. “Bakit di ka pa mag asawa? Wala ka bang nakikilala? Ano na ang nangyayare sayo? May hitsura ka naman, mabait ka naman, bakit wala kang nakikilala? Halika, ipapakilala kita sa pamangkin ng pinsan ng kapitbahay na kasama ko sa simbahan na tyuhin na malayo ng manicurista ko.” Nakakapagod no?

Ramdam kita. Alam na alam ko na yan. Yung tipong lahat na ng pinsan mo may mga anak na, at ikaw ng ninong o ninang mga anak nila. Ikaw ung kaibigan na may tiwalang iwanan sayo ang mga anak nila habang sila naman ung kakain bago sila ulit bumwelo at alagaan ang mga bata. Ikaw na sa tuwing mag uusap sila sa mga anong mura at sulit na diaper na maaring bilhin at kung saan, nakatingin sa telepono, nag bbrowse sa Facebook or Instagram mo at naghahanap ng mga nakakatawang bagay. Oo, alam ko yan. Gawain ko din yan.

Pero minsan, kahit isipin mo na gaano ka mang umay na umay sa mga tanong, yung akala mo na nadinig mo na ang lahat. Yung akala mo, manhid ka na, minsan, meron talagang isang pagkakataon na tatama sa puso mo, ung tagos hanggang kaluluwa mo. Minsan yung tipong hindi mo akalain na uy, teka, sapul ako dun. Tipong may may madidinig ka na: Auntie, you look like you need a hug, I will give you a hug, but I cannot give you a hug like how my daddy gives my mommy a hug, but I will try my best to make it like that. Ouch diba?

Tapos ayan, iiyak ka na. Hindi ikaw ung kausap, pero pakiramdam mo, patama sa’yo, pakiramdam mo nananadya ung tadhana, ung mumurahin mo sa isip mo pero wala kang magawa, tapos maiisip mo - is the universe conspiring against me? Bakit? Ngayon pa talaga? Anong gusto mong mangyare? Ano sapakan nalang? Pero wala, mukha ka lang tanga. Tulala, nakatingin sa kawalan, sa kabilugan ng buwan. Tutulo ang luha sa gilid ng kanan na mata. Emote. Pang pelikula.

Mag iisip ka. Ano nga ba ang ginawa kong mali? Ano ba ang kulang sa akin? Bakit ako mag isa pa din? Bakit ung mga umiwan sa akin masaya na, ako na ngang dehado, ako pa ung naiwan mag isa? Bakit? - Iisipin mo ng iisipin yan habang nilulunod mo ung sarili mo sa isang bote ng alak hanggang makatulog ka na at gigisingin ka nalang kinabukasan para mag simba. Tapos ang laman lang ng dasal mo, kelan ako?

At ayan na, may sa aso yang mga kaibigan mo, naamoy nila kung nag momoment ka nanaman. Kukuyugin ka na- ipaparamdam nila sa’yo na nandito sila para sa’yo. Na sila mismo ang gagawa ng paraan para mapasaya ka. Para iparamdam sa’yo na di pa katapusan ng mundo. Na swerte mo at single ka pa din. Na ikaw ang tumutupad ng mga pangarap nalang nila ngayon. Maaantig nanaman ang damdamin mo, di ka na nga lang iiyak, eemote ka nalang.

Tapos maiisip mo, okay pa pala ako. Kaya ko to. Wala man isang taong nakalaan sa akin, alam mo naman na may mga taong nagmamahal sa’yo. Wag ka nalang ngang choosy. Wag umarte, di man ito ung the one mo, pasalamat ka madami pa ding nag mamamhal sayo.

Lilipas din itong araw na to. Bukas simula nanaman ng isang normal na araw sa buhay mo. At least, alam mo na ang sequence ng emotional rollercoaster mo sa hashtag forever alone mong moment. Makakapaghanda ka na ng mas madaming alak.

Malay mo, baka sa mga susunod na araw, habang naglalakad ka ng nakayuko at nagmamadali ng madaming dalahin, makabangga mo ung isang tao din na naglalakad ng nakayuko at nagmamadali, malay mo, sa susunod, kasama ka na din sa mga taong napaka bagal mag lakad habang nakapulupot ang kamay sa isa’t isa.

^-^

12.03.2015

Where I Am Now?

It has been  2 months and 10 day since I got employed in the call center industry, and  a month and 7 days since I started taking up calls.

How am I right now? Am I doing fine?

If I get to answer those questions above in all honesty, I am saying 'No, I am not fine and I am not feeling well and sure about this anymore'.

This is news to me, I, being a fighter, don't just say suddenly that I am not sure about something as early as this. I usually fight until my last breath, until the end. However, if I don't get these feelings out from my system I believe I will break down. Completely.

As I mentioned in my last blog post, I am employed in an industry that requires talking to English and conversing to clients located in America for their issues with regards to their laptops and what-not. You see, I was able to overcome that tiny fear of conversing to them the things that they need from me, from us. However, I cannot take the fact that there are really some clients who think highly of themselves and just dropped the phone while you are still explaining the things from your end. I mean, come on, where are your manners?

I also do not want the set-up that we have in the company. We have to be at least 30 mins earlier than the required work hours for us to be able to pull up all the necessary tools for the calls. Not to mention we don''t have our own work stations; we need to look for a diff one if someone suddenly seated in the station that you usually use.

That fact makes me feel more tired than ever. I travel from Mandaluyong City to MoA complex in Pasay City via EDSA. Yep, you read it: I am travelling to and fro my office through the world's worst traffic road. If I need to be in the office at least 30 mins before the time, I need to allot at least 2 hrs of travel from my place. However, since I am on EDSA during rush hour, I need to allot an extra hour for me to be able to reach my office on time.

That makes me feel like I am in the office for 10-11 hours. My shift starts at 9.00 pm GMT +8 then ends at 6.00am GMT +8. However since I need to be earlier, I arrive in the office area around 8.00 pm then eats somewhere till 8.30pm before heading to the office. Then the shift ends at 6.00 am but it doesn't stop there. We might have logged out from the phone application however we still need to attend some meetings or group huddles, and those are not included in the Overtime. We get out of the office around 6.30 - 7.00 am.

There's really a big change in the work environment that I am in. I need to be early in the office since the calls are coming in at exactly 9.00 pm however we cannot just go home at exactly 6.00am. Unlike before, I am on-time if I arrive in the office at 9.00 am, even if I haven't pulled up the tools yet or opened my computer by that time. As long as you're in the office on the dot, you are not late.

These events really make me think and feel that I should start looking for a different work, back in my industry at least. I've been trying to submit around my resumes to whichever company that I find interesting as long as it's not related to the call center industry. I am getting sick of just being in the office, literally and figuratively.

I also happen to think about taking the CPA Board Exams by next year or not. I already spilled this to some of my dearest friends and they told me that I can still pursue for that path. Deep within my heart I still have that accounting prowess. I just need ample time to review the basics and go on with the changes in the exams' syllabi. My interest to take it is still at 1% however this may change by next year.

I also do not just leave the office without a new and sure job to go to. I have my expenses to pay, not to mention my recently-booked Japan trip with a friend of mine by September next year. I may be able to pay them now but if I stopped working again, how will I be able to live my life?

I am again standing in a crossroad that don't have the right tagging to where I'm about to head to if I walk along that path. However, I do know that I should decide things by myself. However, there's nothing wrong with asking for advises from the people that I love.

10.17.2015

Of English Potency and Cognition

Blogging straight from my phone since my dearest laptop is still in the pc hospital for an operation.

Yes, I am back in the blogsphere. I am out of this civilization for months after my last post since I got busy traveling out of my home country and spending my hard-earned money that I fortunately saved during my short employment with a local BPO company [that sucks big time].

I'll save my out-of-the-country trips some other time. The reason I am back here is that I need to practice thinking in English.

You see, I got recently employed in a big BPO company located here in the Philippines, with branches outside the country. I am actually almost nearing my 3rd week of stay with the company and in our 2nd week of Product Training.

To make things short, I am now employed as a Technical Support Representative for a big IT company. In layman's term, I am a Call Center Agent. It's a big leap and a sudden shift of career from my industry. Being an Accounting graduate, this is really beyond my scope and my control that I'll be here.

So what do I do in this account? I tend to learn how to troubleshoot notebooks. I must troubleshoot other people's notebook once they face an issue.

What's the big deal about it? Nothing, aside from the fact that I JUST need to talk to the calling customers to solve their problems with the notebook. That's it. The problem lies thou with my Speaking skills.

I am good at English and conversing to other people using it. I mean, not to brag about it but someone even complemented my way of speaking the language back when I was not here in PH. The thing is, I'm good if I am telling a story, not that much with giving out instructions; I get to be tongue-tied at times, if not most. I can type words and construct sentences in English, even tweet with it. However, whenever things get technical, whether it's about IT stuff or Accounting or whats-not, it seems that I am having difficulty creating words.

Unlike in e-mails, I cannot edit what I just said on the call and it'll be hard for me to undo it, heck retract the this that I just said. But I didn't say I will not fix it. I am trying to fix it actually.

A big factor that might have affected the way that I think and speak in English recently is perhaps my trips in pre-dominantly non-English speaking countries. I mean, when I was there, I tried not to use hard words for me to be understood fast. It seems taking its toll on me [Hello S-V-O] 😓.

The only eay to solve this I guess is to pressure myself to speak and think in English ALL THE TIME; WHEREVER, WHENEVER.

Quitting is not an option for me with regards to my current job role. I will do everything that I can before surrendering. As our trainor had told me, the problems that I have are curable. I want to prove that I can do it; I don't want to regret anymore.

I may not be among the best students out there in the training room but I will definitely make sure that I will be part of the roster that will handle the account soon!

Wish me luck and please include me in your prayers. This is a crucial time for me in all honesty.

5.05.2015

The Facade and The Reverse

No one has ever seen the tears behind the smiles.

No one has ever been there to console nor to condone.

No one has... and no one will.

...

I want to do something, something that is not normal; something that I want to do because I love it; something that I want to share to the world.

Why can't people understand that I am not all about the licenses, the paper works, and the numbers.

I am meant for something.

And that is something I want to work out on.

You see, my first love is Law yet it is something I do not want to pursue as of this moment.

If ever I get to study, it's gotta be Asian Studies, or to be more specific, Japanese Studies.
I really want to learn more about the Japanese Culture.

If not now, when? If I don't do it now, when?

I have been in a number of crossroads and this has been always my question to myself: Am I happy with the way my life goes, provided that I am stuck in the office, doing something that I am not enjoying at all?

The answer is no.

There has been so many road blocks, so many detours, yet I always go back to Point 0: Point of Regret.

I regretted that I didn't inquire about Asian Studies; I regretted not taking an entrance exam to colleges that offer it; I regretted that I didn't push through with it despite the fact that I do not want to continue studying Accountancy yet I was able to finish it.

Leave the regrets behind. I am now here and I do not want to waste time thinking hard.

Since I am self-studying Nihonggo since High school and due to the fact that I lack practice, I end up remembering the most basic words that I could know. I tested my Nihonggo skills last year during our trip in Japan and I admit that I speak so broke. That was the time I fully decided to take up the challenge of studying Nihonggo and take up JLPT no matter what it takes.

It just hurts me a lot that people who I thought will support me doesn't support me at all, saying hurtful words not just about me but about everything.

If no one will support me in my endeavors, I just have to support myself then.

4.30.2015

First Major Heartbreak of 2015

This is my first major heartbreak of 2015.

No, I am not in-love.

Just when I thought I was getting back in the game, I got a red card all of a sudden.

No warning whistle, no yellow card; just straight red card and I am out of the game.

I can't believe it happened to me twice; I got laid-off twice in a span of 6 months.

Did I just break any world record for that?

I haven't shared with you yet most of my adventures last year, the ups-and-downs of my 2014.

Then here I am, having my first downfall of 2015.

To be honest, I am getting used to this feeling of being left out, being not accepted, being not welcome anymore by a company.

I am getting numb.

And I know this is not good.

I should cry over it, as suggested by a good troll friend. He said, it is normal to cry it over.

Maybe it hasn't sunk in yet

But I did cry... for a little bit.

I spent the night with zero sleep. I don't feel sleepy at all. Tired perhaps, but not sleepy.

I just watched some movies to keep me entertain and checks on my SNSs every now and then.

Will I move forward? Definitely.

Will I just forget about this? Not an easy feat, my dear.

But sooner or later I will put this in my "Not-So-Happy Moments of 2015".

That's for sure.

2.05.2015

My First Blog after Seven Months Hehe

After a hiatus of almost 7 months, I am back!

I just got so busy with work and life in general that I wasn't able to blog anything about them.

I still got pending blog posts to which I haven't started typing them... YET!

And as I wait for the time for my departure to Bacolod for the annual birthday trip [because birthdays are better celebrated with oneself, anway], I thought of visiting this blog of mine and wake it up temporarily from its slumber.

I will still post everything that happened to me last year, from my Japan, Davao, and Korea trips, cosplay and otaku-related events [hint: that one big event happened last August 2014], down to the very reason why I got separated from my ever-loving employer last October.

For now, these words would suffice. I better get some rest before the roosters start doing their jobs sometime soon!